The Great Debate
by FairyNiamh
Summary: Stiles enjoys debating (read tormenting) the pack; especially the unflappable Derek


Derek watched from behind his book, with a detached curiosity as several different emotions flitted across Stiles' face. It was almost like watching an old silent movie. He saw happiness, horror, curiosity, awe, and a childlike joy all shown on Stiles' face within a matter of minutes. He knew better than to ask, he knew he should just enjoy the show, and not to get tangled into the crazy mind that was Stiles Stilinski, and yet he still opened his mouth and firmly inserted his foot with the words; "What's wrong Stiles?"

"Nothing's wrong," Stiles replied with a squinted frown.

"What's with the myriad of emotions on your face?" Derek asked again, making sure to re-word his original question.

"Huh?"

Derek let out a great sigh and put down his book. There was no reason to even try to pretend that he hadn't been watching Stiles. "Myriad: A large number –"

"I know what it means smart ass. I am surprised you know though," Stiles snarked as he stuck out his tongue. "The question I was trying to convey with my simple 'huh' was 'what are you asking about?' We need to look at the closest community college and see if there is a class on small talk; maybe a Small Talk 101 or a book Small Talk for Dummies."

"Har-de-har, maybe there is a book on 'How to Understand Stiles'. What I was trying to ask was: What are you thinking about?" Derek huffed.

"Oh!" Stiles exclaimed obviously pleased with either himself or Derek – and Derek wasn't sure he wanted to know which. "Zombies."

"What about them?"

Stiles rolled his eyes before replying, "I was thinking of zombies and if there was a possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I mean, it seems like I am living on the werewolf version of the Hellmouth; I feel it's best if we are prepared for anything and everything."

"In spite of what you've seen on Buffy, there is no Hellmouth and zombies are another myth. So, you can give your brain a rest."

"Bestiary says zombies are real and Hellmouth – Hell's Gate, both the same thing and varied sources say 'real'. One of these days you are going to appreciate the complex level of my thinking processes."

"The Bestiary is wrong and Wikipedia is a poor place to 'research'." Derek replied through gritted teeth.

"If the Bestiary is wrong; then why did you want Lydia to translate it so bad? Why do you make me consult it when any new ghoul is in town?" Stiles asked with a glare.

Derek huffed out an irritated breath of air. Really, sometimes he wanted to strangle the infuriating human. "I never said it was wrong about everything. Just that it is wrong about zombies. That was something Hollywood made up to frighten gullible humans."

"Would love to point out that I thought werewolves were Hollywood created until Peter bit Scott and I had to deal with your furry butts. Don't come crying to me when the zombie apocalypse descends upon you and the zombies try to eat your brains. Though, I seriously doubt they could get through that thick skull of yours."

"Zombies don't eat brains," Peter chimed in as he exited the kitchen staring intently at the bowl of ice cream in his hand.

"This is true. The Bestiary said that they eat flesh, preferably fresh and Derek, in case you have never looked in the mirror; you have a whole lot of flesh on those bones of yours," Stiles said, as he held up his finger giving Peter a mental score of plus one.

"Oh for the love of -" Derek growled. "For the last time zombies are NOT real. Subject dropped."

"My dearest thick-headed nephew, as much as I love seeing Stiles get things wrong and watching him flail in agitation, in this instance - YOU - are in the wrong. Zombies are real. Well, they have been real and potentially might be real if someone does the right mojo. Why are we even discussing zombies? Did you see one Stiles?" Peter asked with an honest curiosity in his voice.

"What? No, I didn't see one. I was just wondering if the zombie apocalypse happened, would the dinosaurs come back too. I mean they are dead; so it is a possibility. That would be scary as fuck though," Stiles said with a shudder.

Peter smiled fondly at Stiles while Derek groaned as if in pain. "I love the way your mind works. You are the only smart one in the pack. Derek, why didn't you bite Stiles? At least then there would be some intelligent conversations to keep me entertained."

"Because, Stiles would try to take over the world and could you imagine a werewolf with his attention span? It would be a fucking nightmare! Besides, the pack isn't here for your amusement Peter," Derek snarled.

"I resent that. I would make an awesome werewolf, but I really don't want to join the wet dog club. Is there a feline version? Werecat or something like that. I think I would be a better cat than a pup. Whatever, I am a human in a wolf world. What do you think Peter, would dinosaurs come back as zombies?" Stiles rambled on.

"Maybe, but they wouldn't be dangerous to anyone. See, even if the dinosaurs did come back they couldn't really do anything; no muscles, you see," Peter explained as he went back into the kitchen to put away his bowl.

"OH!" Stiles said excitedly while chasing after him. "We would have to worry about creatures like Wooly Mammoths and Saber-tooth Tigers, because they were frozen; not petrified. The muscles would be atrophied - majorly, however, that probably wouldn't affect them. Oh, you don't think that the government or some super scientists are hiding any frozen Dinosaurs or anything like that; do you?"

Peter frowned as if thinking deeply about Stiles question. "No," he finally answered. "I mean, could you keep it secret if you found a frozen dinosaur?"

"Hell no, I would tell the world," Stiles said emphatically.

"Exactly, now, it is entirely possible that the idiot scientists have tried to clone them. They never know when to leave nature alone, but I doubt they have succeeded in producing say, a tyranisaurusrex, or a pterodactyl. Therefore, we don't have to worry about zombie dinosaurs. Does that put your mind at ease?" Peter asked as he got out a coke and handed one to Stiles.

Stiles sat on a stool and sulked. All his hard work and deep thoughts went poof in minutes, because he hadn't seen all the angles. "It sucks," he said as he wrinkled his nose and accepted the coke from Peter.

"I don't know why you are so worried about a zombie apocalypse. It is an impossible scenario." Peter said while shrugging his shoulders.

"See! I told you zombies aren't real," Derek crowed from his perch on the couch.

"Again, my thick-headed nephew, zombies are real. However, they are incapable of moving without a magic practitioner controlling them. The movies have that part wrong; well, most of the movies that is. Cheer up Stiles; at least you are smart enough to think outside the box. Imagine what your life would be like if you thought like Derek," Peter in what was supposed to be a consoling tone.

"I resent that," Derek growled as he walked into the kitchen.

"Then Derek," Peter growled. "Think like Stiles. Think about possibilities; pick up a book outside of the dictionary. Now don't get me wrong. Expanding your vocabulary is a wonderful thing. However, what use is having a large vocabulary if you only growl and don't learn to use said vocabulary to broaden your mind. I bet Stiles can tell me how to kill a zombie. Can you?"

"Fairly certain that if I cut off its head it will drop like a rock," Derek answered with a roll of his eyes.

Stiles huffed before crossing his arms and answering, "Completely burn it using fire or acid. Only other way to get rid of it is to kill the controller or knock him or her unconscious."

"Did you hear that Derek? Zombies are mindless, they do not really need a head, and that makes them the perfect killers." Peter preached. Okay, so he didn't really preach - he just somehow made it sound preachy and holier than thou. "They do not have to worry about running out of breath, hurting themselves, eating, sleeping, or dying. Maybe you should ask Stiles for a copy of the Bestiary and maybe beg him to help you understand what you are reading. Bet if you offered to give him a blow job he would say yes."

It was due to Peter's poor timing that Stiles both choked on and sprayed his coke all over Derek. "I hate you," Derek informed them both while trying to wipe the sticky liquid off of his face. "Excuse me while I go and change. Stiles, just - clean up your mess and then go home. I'm sticky and tired," Derek said in a huff as he got up and left to go change.

"Aw, Stiles; you made our poor Alpha sticky. You should go and lick him clean. I bet he would love you forever," Peter said while eying Stiles as the boy got up to get a roll of paper towels.

"I don't know if I fear you, hate you, or love you dearly," Stiles said in wonderment as he used and then threw away the paper towels he had used to clean up the mess Peter had made him spray.

"You know you love me. I'm the most lovable in the pack and I always back you up," Peter said with an all-knowing smirk.

"You always try to talk Derek into turning me, you agree with me because I'm right, and you like making Derek as miserable as possible. I honestly think it's your goal to reclaim your Alpha title by killing Derek via embarrassment and/or mortification." Stiles said evenly as he gathered his things.

Peter laid on his chest as if he was wounded by Stiles words. "Those words mean the same thing and I honestly do not have any desires to deal with the Alpha shit Derek has to deal with."

"Uh-huh, I believe you; really," Stiles chuckled.

"Why would I, or anyone, have any wish to be Alpha of this pack? Derek had to choose the scariest girl -"

"Lydia is scarier," Stiles interjected.

"Okay, scariest girl outside of Lydia, and some of the thickest boys I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. Why didn't he bite you? I mean, come on Stiles you need to beg him for the bite. We need you in the pack for brain power. I swear I am the only one who uses his brain. I should have bitten you instead of Scott. Stiles -" Peter whined. "I'm tired of playing chess with myself and being the only one brave enough to sass Derek."

Stiles sighed in exasperation and with a fond smile on his face as he said; "Peter, I am not going to become a wolf just so you can have a playmate. Not interested in it, but I'll try to come over more and maybe we can - hang out. It's not like I'm not over here all the time tutoring or pulling your wolf asses out of some new kind of trouble."

Peter looked as if he had eaten something sour or unpleasant. "It's nice to know that I am thought of as the senile uncle everyone needs to humor."

"Oh, now come on. You were totally having fun picking on Derek and me. I honestly do think you think of us as your own personal play toys," Stiles said with a roll of his eyes as he heaved his pack over his shoulder. It wasn't not all that heavy, but his head was aching slightly. "Thank you, by the way."

Peter frowned. "I don't think of you as a play toy. Just - a mind teaser or maybe a puzzle. You're welcome, by the way. Not sure why you are thanking me, but again you're welcome."

"I'm thanking you for being the creepy senile uncle and for debating with me. None of the other wolves will indulge me when I get into a debate mood. They usually just push me and tell me to shut up," Stiles answered seriously.

Peter wasn't sure why he felt so - protective of Stiles all of a sudden. Although, if he were honest with himself, he had been more than a little protective of him ever since he refused the bite. He walked over to where Stiles was standing, placed his hand on his cheek, and encouraged the younger man to look at him. He looked deep into Stiles eyes searching for a glimmer of something, maybe hope or something more. "He doesn't deserve your love or loyalty. He should thank the stars that you would even look at his miserable broken ass. I swear, if I were younger; I would fight him for you. Hell, if you want I will fight him now. You deserve it; you deserve equal loyalty and love. I swear, if you ever give me a semi-shred of hope I'll follow you forever."

Stiles smiled sadly at the declaration. "You are in love with Melissa McCall, remember? Derek, he is loyal to me and in his own way, he shows his emotions. He's just not as open about them as you are or I am and even though I whine about him; he's not abusive and he does make sure that I feel loved. Tell you what though, if - if - Derek and I break up and you split with Melissa, I'll think about giving us a whirl. Don't expect anything though. My wolf is very possessive of me and I think Melissa is fairly possessive over you."

"See? This is why we need you as a werewolf Stiles; you handled that like a true second in command. You think with more than your dick or brain. You would bring heart and life into the rag-tag bunch of heathens." Peter made the words sound like a plea to Stiles' ears.

Of course, all Stiles could do was laugh and roll his eyes. "Derek would be terrified I would take his spot. Besides, I like being the human brains in the pack. Now then, good night Peter, please remember to call Melissa and ask her out to dinner Wednesday. It's her day off."

"It's simply terrifying how much you know. Maybe Derek is right not to bite you. I think I might be afraid of you as a werewolf as well. Sleep well; remember to call Derek when you get home. He's a nightmare when you forget to call. Sulks all over the place like he had been a bad puppy and you put him in a corner or rubbed his nose in his piddle on the rug."

"Leave Stiles alone Peter. I want it noted that I do not sulk and I have never pissed on the rug!" An indignant snarl came from upstairs as Stiles was leaving the old Hale house.

It had been a productive day and he had answered his personal question about zombie dinosaurs - though he still thought it was a totally kick-ass awesome idea. 'Oh! Maybe that is what happened to the dinosaurs. It wasn't a meteor or some other scientific reason, it was a zombie apocalypse.' ~

~Fin~


End file.
